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WHY THE MONSTER DOES(N’T) EAT CHEESE…
Life’s great sources of debate. Religion. Politics. Sports. Fashion. The Monster’s eating habits. They are endlessly causing rifts in the fabric of humanity and our desire to live freely and...
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T DRINK MILK
Never has The Monster remembered liking milk. A glass of milk has not once been poured for his enjoyment. A bowl of cereal never polluted by its presence. A cookie nary proffered to be dipped in...
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T DRINK COFFEE…
The Monster has never had a cup of coffee. Not once. No Turkish coffee or lattes or macchiatos or straight black. Never. Starbucks is lost on The Monster. He doesn’t take a coffee break at work....
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT BANANAS
Bananas are gross. They taste bad. They smell repugnant. They have a weird texture. Monkeys love bananas. Humans should not. Kids pretend bananas are telephones. They aren’t. Also kids, we...
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WHY THE MONSTER EATS PICKLES…
Pickles mega-rule. Anything pickled (save herring and people) The Monster will absolutely, lovingly scarf down. See a pickle tray, eat a pickle. Then another. Another. Sheepishly another. And then...
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WHY THE MONSTER EATS LOBSTER
Be it boiled or steamed and served up with drawn butter, on a toasted roll or baked in with mac n’ cheese, mashed into potatoes or added to bisque, The Monster is most definitely in love with lobster....
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT SEA CUCUMBERS
This one is too obvious. But perhaps you have never had the distinct displeasure of being served sea cucumbers and then consider this a PSA from your friend The Monster. The Monster doesn’t expect...
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WHY THE MONSTER DOES NOT EAT MAYONNAISE
The Monster thinks mayonnaise is disgusting and he doesn’t understand how you filthy people can eat it. You can call is Hellman’s or Miracle Whip or Kraft. You can see it say “real mayonnaise” on the...
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WHY THE MONSTER EATS FLA-VOR-ICE…
…and Otter Pops? This one is pretty simple. Nostalgia. That warm and fuzzy, happy and safe feeling one gets when they associate something with simpler times. The very word itself derives from the...
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT TEMPEH/TOFU/SEITAN
Tempeh. Tofu. Seitan. The Monster hates them. He doesn’t want fermented soy. He doesn’t need coagulated soy milk. Insoluble gluten does not excite him. The little bits of tofu polluting hot and...
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